First Argument

First time for everything..

Where to begin..

Most people know that my best friend is Pae here in LA.. we've been the closest of friends since 8th grade. I have so much to say - yet everything is jumbled up in my mind that it's hard to organize everything. I feel however, that since this is my personal diary and close to nobody comes to this site - i should write my thoughts here to log how i felt during 9/15/02.

Well to first start out.. i just have this weird gut feeling right now that's been bothering for the past few hours. I feel as if i'm going to explode if i don't say anything or write about it at least - to get it off my chest. This was the first time Pae and I got into an intense argument.. mostly because of misunderstading and miscommunication. We haven't been able to talk much about anything lately - partly because of my job, partly because of Pae's not wanting to talk about it, and partly because of the guests who came over my house.

Apparently, there has been a lot of things that has been bothering Pae these past few days, but i didn't know what they were because he wouldn't tell me. Our argument happened after i came back home with Nancy after buying some sodas to go with our pizza tonite. I noticed Elis was leaving the house all ready to go home - and Pae was putting his backpack on to leave aswell. This put me in a frustrating position because I wasn't sure if it was something i did, that was making them leave w/o even having a slice of pizza with Nancy and I or having a drink. Also with the long day i had at work - i wasn't in the clearest mind format which caused me to raise my voice and ask why they were leaving. I had never raised my voice in front of my friends before in the tone that i said it in.. and so all 3 of them were sorta suprised.. I quickly regretted doing it though after i thought about it for a second. So after pulling myself together, i asked more politely what was going on, and why they wanted to leave. After getting no decent answer, Pae got upset and took off outside wanting to go home, while Nancy chased after him to cool him down.

Elis and I talked inside the house for a bit about what happened.. and i soon followed by going outside to apologize. I really expected the conversation with pae to be:

"Yo dude, sorry for raising my voice, let's talk this out. What's bothering you? Make me understand" - me
"It's coo dude, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal - i'm just leaving cuz i gotta do homework" - pae
"I have been upset lately cuz i've had these things on my mind... ... ... " - pae

or something within those lines.. but all i got was:

"I don't wanna talk about it right now" - pae

After about 30 minutes of trying to convince him to come back inside and talk about it .. i figured it would be better to let him go home and cool off. We talked on AIM a few minutes ago - and straighted a lot of things out.. but i figure we'll settle back when we chill together tomorrow or something.
I'm still not 100% certain of everything that has been bothering Pae - because he hasn't been very specific nor has he talked about each thing in detail to me nor has he told me how all of those things are bothering him. But i know there are more things that are bothering him. The thing that gets me the most, is that i think he got the feeling i didn't appreciate the things he does for me.. or that i got used to him taking care of me that i don't thank him anymore. But seriously, i am grateful, thankful, and awed of his dedication towards our friendship. I know i would probably be struggling more in LA if it wasn't for him.. i probably dont' show that as much as i would like - but i always thought he would never second guess my feelings for that sort of thing.

But who am i to say what he should or should not do.. were all imperfect humans who make mistakes, such as me raising my voice today, ..

I also dislike it when people break up the mood for their own personal reasons. Like if you go out with a bunch of friends, and you have a grumpy face all day and stay quiet in the corner by yourself and not interact because of your personal problems. I'm the type of person that tries not to break up the mood for my own personal reasons.. why make other people miserable worrying about me, when by me just changing my attitude for that day - i could let everyone have a good time while making myself presentable to everyone.

Getting pissed easily also sucks. My mom used to call me a girl cuz i got pissed easily when i was little - ever since i try to keep most of my anger inside, and eat my pride. Either apologize first, or try to calm down the circumstances to get along. Isn't that how the world goes round?

Im pretty sure that this shouldn't impact our relationship.. friends do get into arguments and have disputes.. but it was weird doing it for the first time. I guess we lived our lives differen't for quite some time during the past 6 year while we were living so far apart that probably sparked it after hanging out closely again. I know this story one pretty one sided, but i'm just expressing what i felt yesterday..