Mom Visit

Mommy is here.. why do i feel so frustrated and angry right now? I don't know. Actually i do.. it's because i never like owing somebody something. Like even for credit cards, i pay all my bills in full because i don't like that interest crap. But then - my mom keeps asking me if i need anything, and i'm just so independent right now, that i just dont' want any help from her. If she does help me in any way, that'll just aggrevate me inside because i will feel like i ow her for what she's doing for me. I know it all sounds irrational, but please bare with me - i'm actually typing all this for myself right now because i feel like just running 2 miles.

She never took care of me when i was living at home anyways, ever since i started working and making my own money - i took care of myself. Bought my own car, bought my own things, - except for the fact that they paid for the rent. She's also not at the point where she should be helping anybody. I mean, my parents just bought a house - and so paying the mortguage must really suck for them right now. Considering that my father is already 54.. he will retire soon so they should be saving money. I mean - i'm sure she's asking me if i need help every 4 seconds to make herself feel better. And me just saying "No" every 6 seconds is just irritating me right now. I just can't say, "Yeah mom, i need like $500 bucks a month from you to survive".. and knowing their finanacial situation - how lousy and low will i feel everytime i receive the check on the mail? Screw that. I'm going to figure all of this out on my own. I have been a very independant person since high school.. so i don't need to change now. I tell other ppl it's okay to lean on someone when times are rough.. but for me - it's not as rough as it can be, so i'll be okay.

You know when your mind has so many thoughts, you can't really organize them and put them into words? It's kinda like that right now.. i just can't seem to express myself because there are so many different emotions mixed inside.

Also my To-Do list has grown so much.. i'll list them out here:

1. Change Credit Card billing address
2. Buy Oil Filters
3. Renew bjunkyard domain
4. Study for Midterm this Thursday
5. Schedule for Winter classes
6. Work tomorrow at 9:45am
7. FAFSA in January
8. Go see Counselor and talk about my GE Certification
9. WPE (Word Profeciency Exam) Take it soon..

I'm sure there are more, but i just can't seem to think about them right now.

I also forgot someone ows me some money. It's been so long i even forgot how much.. but it's in the G's.. My sister tells me ppl read this freakin blog so i shouldn't make it so obvious who it is because that way the word will eventually spread to that person, So i'm gonna keep this as annonymous. It's actually been like.. almost a year now? And i haven't seen any of that money yet.. i told my mom today about it - and she just looked at me blankly. Does that mean i should just forget about it and believe that i never lent that person anything? Or, if your going to lend money, don't expect it back kind of deal? It was either $3,000 or $4,000.. who knows. Life is too short to be worrying about the past, just in the future - i won't be so easy to chew money from.

Oh yes, that also reminds me - the reason i gave that person the money was because i was getting paid 50k/year at Excite@Home before i quit late 2001. I was living at home - and so all my checks were going straight to the bank. I had already paid off my car - so i had no expenses other than my phone bill. So, money wasn't a big problem for me at the time - and lending it didn't seem like a big deal. Now that i'm tight on cash it just opened a new window for me to look at.


On a better note, i read Pae's blog.. his actually updating it regularly now.. go Pae!. He talks about going to Korea and becoming an actor.. so uhh... Take me please.
Also wanted to let EVERYONE out there who have their own blogs.. to please use your ENTER key.. and divide your paragraphs. I sometimes get lost and read double lines. Thanks!