Love is a Gamble

There's a saying in korean.. that Women have one door to their hearts.. and Men have many windows. The logic behind that is that a woman usually only loves one man at a time; so if she breaks up with someone - the guy leaves her heart and another guy enters.. and there's only room for one person.

Men on the other hand have many windows, so they always keep indulging in past relationships and past lovers. I think this is pretty damn true. I came to that realization this weekend. I did a lot of self reflection these past few days and i feel like crap.

Men are also said to never forget their "first love" or "chut sarang".. while girls have the ability to forget and move on.

I'm sure this isn't true to every person in this planet - but it's been pretty common these days to me as a i look around my midst.
While doing my self reflection - i realized that i have been a bad bf overall since i started dating. I'm not going into detail on that because it's different with each girl. If i was a girl - and i knew me as me.. i would probably not date me. So i'm trying to change these days.. i've heard "people never change" - and hopefully i can disprove that phrase. I wanna be a good bf and hold out long term relationships like many other people do.

My relationships seem to end because of my insecurity and fear of getting hurt. I was hurt in High School so i never dated much then.. and in College when i started again - i was very defensive and terminated my relationships as soon as i felt unsafe. Now i realize that sometimes relationships are a gamble - and what u gamble is the possibility of getting hurt. You who are reading this probably knew this and take me for an idiot.. and i probably knew it too - but was blinded by fear.

I'm downloading a few movies right now:

1. Biker Boyz (not worth renting .. i heard it sucks but i love bikes.. so imma watch it)
2. Anthwone Fisher (pae recommended it)
3. Basic (john travolta fan)

I drank quite a grip yesterday.. but the alcohol didn't really hit me at all. I was a nervous wreck all night to even feel my head spin. I was confused.. but after talking to my closest friends, i see in a straight line again.
What happened was I saw .... (hmm i wonder if i should even write this stuff in here.. who knows who reads this stuff).
.. i saw my ex-gf at a convention. That relationship was the longest one that i had - and it couldn't have been more mutual as per our physical chemistry and bond mentally. I can honestly say i was in love with her.. not just like her a lot.. it was a nice warm love feeling. She was the first girl .. in all my life.. that made me think about marriage.

I thought i forgot about her last year around this same time and let her go.. but after seeing her again - weird emotions came back .. my arms were shaking and my knees felt weak. I guess i didn't let her go .. when i thought i did. We had broken up about 3 years ago. I always thought we would get back together someday because it was meant to be.. but 2 years ago - another guy came into her life while she was trying to get over me and i guess comforted her while i wasn't there. From there - they're friendship became more than that.. and they've been going out since. Last year when i saw her - i told her everything.. i just spilled my guts out and told her i still cared for her and wanted to get back together and that she was all i ever wanted. But she was with that other guy at the time - and told me no. Not sure if she cried, but told me "why didn't you do or talk to me sooner".. i felt bad after that. She even took my Yupki Tokki..

There was still no closure.. (i always need closures in my relationships.. i learned that i hate clinging on) so after all the drinking last night and talking to friends - i've decided to let her go. I think she is pretty serious with that other guy - their folks met each other already.. and are talking marriage i think. I want her to be happy - and if that's not with me, then i'm okay with that. I plan on telling this to her tomorrow night.. i hope and pray to God she will see me for a few minutes. (i hope i don't break down in front of her either).

"Letting someone go (for their sake and happiness) is a bigger sign of affection/love than just love"

I'm not gonna lie, i felt like hurting the guy that is currently going out with her. I just have bad vibes when i see him. I try to make eye contact with him - but he keeps avoiding me. One good punch is the face is what i thought.. But will i feel better or worse after that? I dreamed about crippling him so that maybe she'll come back to me. But what kind of a man would i be if i did that? I thought about talking to him mano a mano and telling him to make her happy and that his a very lucky guy, but my friends tell me that's pussy shit. Maybe it is.. maybe it isn't. I haven't decided about that yet.

I have a lot of regrets.. in all of my relationships. I don't think i have a single one i don't regret. People make mistakes.. and that's how they learn. But why do i make so many? Ugh. My biggest regret though - wasn't the girl in this story - rather it was my "chut sarang".. a girl i liked for all four years of High School. She was like the most easy to get along with type of girl. Her people skillz were off the charts. She was beautiful, smart, energetic, easy going, down to earth.. and just had all the characteristics that i look in a girl. I'm not sure if i'll ever meet a girl like her again. Took me a long time to get over her. I know she's happy wherever she is.. so i'll let it die there.

Regrets, regrets, regrets.. i need to change. I feel miserable.

Again, a guy has many windows.. these are just two of my windows i felt like writing (also these are the two girls that probably will never read this). I have many other regrets - some really special gf's in my life that i didn't see until it was too late. What can a man do though? Move on Peter.. is what my cousin Simon tells me.. yeah.. i should move on.

On a final note, these were great experiences for me to learn about life. But when the time comes for me to love again, that will be the only person i love.