Thinking out loud

You know when your life is starting to change and you want it to change, and you try to change it.. yet your so deep into shit that it's pretty impossible to change it or ever go back. I'm stuck right in the middle. Who am I? What is my purpose here on earth? Do i need to strive to succeed? Why? All this energy ppl use in their daily lives.. for what? To progress the human kind?

I feel like my identity is lost. Stolen.. or whatever. I feel like a different person, but is it for the better? I tried to change.. since June. It's hard though.. i don't think i progressed much when i look back @ myself these days. Life is frustrating isn't it? If the bible is true, and when you die, u are an unconscious soul in the grave that has no thought or feeling - how great that would be? But i'm scared of death. No worries, no regrets.. just peace with yourself. Just the thought of it is relaxing.. when i die, i hope i die on a death bed where i go quietly and take my last breath sleeping.

Why do some ppl born in this world with everything just handed to them while others (like ppl in Africa) are born to suffer? Why am i here? Why was i put into this situation and to do what? Why does it seem like a lot of ppl around me have everything going for them while i'm in the mist of a median. I feel regret, guilt, remorse, the feeling that i have been forgotten by ppl i used to know for years.. the feeling that someone else took my spot ever since i moved away or started to stray away.

I guess i put this upon myself.. and it's all for the better that i stay away from those ppl and not inflict on their lives as i would in such a negative way. You're probably wondering wtf i'm talking about. Don't worry about it - i'm trying to clear my head right now. I don't even know what sense i'm making by writing this. The best thing to do.. is forget. Good thing we were created so that we are able to forget or block memories from our minds. It's too late to go back.. the only thing left is to move forward. Ppl say, you never know what you've had until you lost it.. which is very true.. but once you've lost it.. dont look back. If you do.. it'll just create pain.

I should do this.. i should do that. Fuck it. I'll just let my life ride the waves of this chaotic world and take me where it has to.